Almost everyone’s first tree experience includes some humiliating circumstances. Nobody can become an expert overnight; we all make blunders that might plague us for years. However, some of us make more mistakes than others. I believe I would win an award for being the most naive person to ever attempt to cultivate a tree.
When I chose to plant my own tree, I had a certain location in mind. There was a 5 foot gap between my house and my fence. It was probably the least visited portion of my entire yard, and I decided it could use some sprucing up. Maybe if I gave some nice shade, my family would use it more. I imagined a little picnic heaven in the shade where my family could go to just be together and enjoy nature. I was sorely mistaken.
I settled on a lovely apple tree. Despite the danger of apples falling on our heads, I thought it would be fun to sit in the shade and eat beautiful homegrown apples. The prospect of this romantic, poignant activity was enough to drive me to the nursery and buy the first apple tree I saw. I didn’t know enough about trees to examine the roots or any other signs that it might be a sick tree. I paid the required fee and had the tree delivered directly to my home.
I dug the hole exactly where I wanted the tree to go. This took virtually the entire day. Holes are an easy thing to overlook. It’s simple to assume that digging a hole will just take an hour or two, but once you start digging, it usually takes far longer than you anticipated. I certainly didn’t feel like digging another few feet around the perimeter by the time I had the hole big enough to fit the ball of roots, as most tree planting manuals recommend. I was about to plant the tree. I lifted the tree across the yard and dumped it into my pit with the help of my morbidly fat neighbor. It was then time to fill in the gap.
I was overjoyed when I finished the last shovel load of soil. I took a step back to admire my work. That’s when my three-year-old daughter said something that broke my heart and continues to torment me to this day. “Daddy, that tree is as tall as Grandpa!” My father is a wonderful man, and I would have considered it an honor if she had compared any other element of the tree to him. Unfortunately, his back has been weakening recently, and he can no longer stand up straight. My tree had a striking resemblance to his position, I noticed.
I opted to leave it for a bit to see what happened, thinking it was a condition that the tree will naturally outgrow. Every day, I walked out to check on the tree’s progress, to see if it was any straighter than the day before. My spirits were dashed every day when I saw that nothing had changed. I decided to ignore it rather than put out the effort of eradicating it from my yard. I never went around to that side of the house again and nearly completely forgot about the tree. I decided that if there was ever a problem as a result of leaving the tree there, I would pack my belongings and flee the state. That’s how humiliated I felt after my tree experience.
After about three years of completely ignoring the tree, I was sitting in my house one day when I heard a loud crash. I dashed outside to investigate, only to discover that my tree had grown to such an unmanageable size that it had destroyed my gutter and a portion of my neighbor’s fence. Within a week, I relocated out of state.